What was it like?

It’s a question I’m sure everyone wants to ask, a question that is awkward and seems hurtful to ask. What was it like to lose your daughter?

Well my friends, it’s a pain that can not be described. When they told us that Sophia’s heart had stopped it felt like mine was going to. Only my heart knew it had to keep going because Sophia’s big sisters needed it to.

In that moment I became numb, my heart shattered and I fell apart. I thought about how I would explain this to Brynn and Harper, I thought about how I would survive, I thought about how Cody would survive. They offered to let me go home and come back the next day to be induced.

If I would have came home that day I would not have gone back, it would have made it to painful. I chose to stay and get the process started. We went to the labor and delivery floor to be checked in, had a second ultrasound to make sure that her heart had really stopped. Once in a room the wonderful nurse who runs The still remembered project came into talk with us and give us a memory box for Sophia’s things.

It took over 12 hours for my water to break and almost instantly she came into this world silently. In that moment getting to hold her and see her gave me some peace. We spent 8 short hours with her before making the decision to go home to our big girls and let them know what happened.

So what was it like? It was earth shattering, heart breaking, life changing, and painfully beautiful to meet our daughter and say goodbye in the same day. 💜

Love, a hot mess momma

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